Saturday, 30 April 2016

The Arrow

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great." - Unknown

The Arrow
I'm not going to lie. Right now I am struggling. My emotions have been all over the place, swinging between rage, excitement, loneliness and indifference. I have an aversion to being with groups of people, I'm on the verge of tears a lot, and my initial reactions seem judgmental and not in alignment with who I really am. And I just don't know why...

I feel a shift happening in my consciousness but it's as though my ego is fighting me every step of the way. I feel like running. But I know that won't solve anything. The truth is, right now, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, what I need or even what I want. And for me, this "not knowing" is torture.

I've lost sight of the REAL me; the fun me, the me who laughs loudly and frequently, the curious me, the me who loves to be surrounded by friends, the playful me.

Playful Samtosha :)
I'm left wondering why she has chosen to desert me at this time. I'm making some serious breakthroughs, and I appear to have lost my sense of humour right when I need it the most.
I know all the things I "should" be doing: surrounding myself with people who care about me, doing the things that make me happy and making the most of being at the lake while I still have the chance. But frankly, I can't be bothered. My indifference is frustrating me and making me angry, which in turn makes me easily agitated and want to withdraw from social situations. This is making me feel isolated, disconnected and lonely. I'm stuck. I need help but I know no one can save me but me!

In the past when I've felt like this I have always changed something in my life - moved to a different house, town, or country, left my job or removed myself from an unhealthy relationship. Change has always been relatively easy for me to implement. However, none of these things are the problem right now, and this is why I'm struggling. Not too long ago, my response to this situation would be to get drunk, get high or find someone to have sex with... Or all three! I know this isn't the answer, but in the moment it made me feel better.

Jim Beam in a can... classy.
These days I'm much more aware of my patterns and how destructive they can be. But cacao and kirtan just aren't doing it for me either! I realise that this is my opportunity to find new ways of coping and climbing my way out of this hole of emotional turmoil. I also know that this is a phase, it won't last forever and there is nothing that time and acceptance can't heal.

My friend Jimmy, who has been a dear friend of mine since I arrived at the lake, is an amazing artist and handpoke tattooist extraordinaire :) I have wanted an arrow tattoo on my left forearm for a couple of years now and he helped me design something very special.

Jimmy Jumanji
The arrow idea came about when I was going through an earlier period of struggle, and symbolised the need to be pulled back before we can be propelled forward towards that which we are aiming for. I wanted it on my left arm connecting to my heart, and to incorporate a representation of a compass to remind me to always follow the direction of my heart, and aim for what brings me the most joy. Jimmy made sure to include some sacred geometry in there as well to represent spiritual awakening.

My new magical amazing blazing arrow is a reminder that now is a time of contraction. A brief moment of absorption as I take in my surroundings, preparing to focus on what it is I want. All I need now is patience; as the minutes feel like hours, and the hours feel like days, all I need to remember to do is breathe!

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